In our Suicide Bereavement Services, lived experience is a big part of what makes our service impactful – we understand how difficult, confusing and complicated grief can be when losing someone to suicide, because our team has experienced that ourselves. Grief looks different for everyone, but comfort and support can be found in connecting with others who understand.
For Nadia, our Family Suicide Bereavement Practitioner in Bradford, navigating grief meant holding space for the friend she lost to suicide shortly after starting university, and finding ways to stay connected to them after loss. In this blog, Nadia shares her story and offers advice for other young adults who may be experiencing loss and are unsure where to go for support.
At eighteen, everybody scatters. Some people dive straight into their careers, and some take a year out to travel the world. Others pick their city, their course, their boxy and overpriced student accommodation. There are some people, like my dear friend, who stay in their hometown, not completely sure of who they want to be.
I went to university with a carload of cardboard boxes that I didn’t even know you had to tape shut. All my new kitchen plates smashed as I was moving in. I bought posters, my beanie baby that smelt like home, and fairy lights that wouldn’t stop sliding down the walls no matter how much blue tack I used.
Suddenly, I was away from home, navigating lecture halls and forcing myself on nights out to make new friends. Fitting in makes you feel lost; I wasn’t even thinking about my school friends who felt the same, even in the familiarity of home.
Then my friend died. He died by suicide. There was nothing in the welcome-week handbook that could’ve prepared me for that.
I was surrounded by new beginnings like freshers’ events and society sign-ups, but I couldn’t distract myself from the ending I couldn’t make sense of. My friend was struggling and none of us knew how bad he was. Young men are at a higher risk of dying by suicide. Now he makes up the statistic whilst I was forced to carry on.
It was difficult to process the permanence of this whilst being away from home. I kept imagining the empty chair in the common room we all sat in at school, the empty chair in his spot on the family sofa. The bedroom in my student accommodation had an old chair tucked at my desk. The chair became an eerie symbol of my loss, reminding me of the empty chairs back home. I piled clothes on it to try and cover it up, but I couldn’t ignore the image of him sitting on the chair. I was scared to sleep, I felt watched. I feared the empty chair would always be there, a quiet and constant mirror of my grief.
Continuing Bonds:
When you lose somebody to suicide, it feels like there is a silent deadline for when you should be ‘better’ and accept it to ‘move on.’ Grief isn’t fleeting; you can’t just fold it up and hide it away. I learnt that I didn’t need to let go and I was going to hold on stronger but in a different way.
Even in this new environment, surrounded by the unfamiliar, I found ways to keep my friend with me whilst I was shaping this new life.
- I started talking to the chair late at night when I couldn’t sleep. I stopped treating his presence and my grief like a burden and began to see it as a comfort.
- I hung photos of us in my new room. This reminded me that although I was consumed by guilt, I had tangible memories which reminded me what we meant to each other.
- I bought a special notebook where I would talk to only him. I wrote life updates, telling him how I was settling in. I wrote about my feelings of guilt and shame. Slowly this helped me grow easy on myself. I recognised that missing signs didn’t mean I lacked care. Hindsight is not a fair judge.
Focusing on continuing bonds didn’t stop the pain of my grief, but it helped to stop it from overshadowing my love. Holding on gave me a way to move forward without leaving him behind.
Getting Help as a Bereaved Student:
Being bereaved by suicide as a student does not mean you’re broken or off-track. Yes, you may move slower at times, and you may carry extra weight. But remember you’re still growing and you’re still building your independent life.
Academic and Administrative Help.
- If your grief is impacting your studies through attendance, concentration, meeting deadlines etc, many universities offer mitigating circumstances which can help you to extend deadlines, resubmit, or defer the year. If you are in this situation, I urge you to seek these adjustments. It is not embarrassing and it does not mean you have failed.
Emotional, External, and Peer Support.
- Many universities offer free student counselling services and Student Support Advisors who can help with planning and organisation surrounding your grief.
- Peer support is important. This means seeking support from others who have had similar experiences. Leeds Mind’s Suicide Bereavement Service offers flexible, free peer support to people of all ages across Leeds and West Yorkshire.
- There are tonnes of resources online which can help you to manage your grief. This includes Child Bereavement UK who have a webpage dedicated to student loss. They have now merged with Winston’s Wish, another great service for young people!
Your Next Steps:
If you’re reading this and you feel in a similar place, please know you are allowed to feel lost. You are allowed to feel angry and numb. You’re allowed to feel happy and make memories following your loss.
Talk to someone, whether it is Student Services, a Peer Support Practitioner, a support line, or even a friend. You will notice that empty chair again, I know I do. You’ll learn that it doesn’t define the relationship with the person you have lost. You’re still here, learning and trying. Your loved one is, in their own quiet way, still a part of your journey.
Leeds Mind Suicide Bereavement Services
If you have been impacted by suicide, you can find support through our Suicide Bereavement Services. We offer a range of support across West Yorkshire, providing you with a safe space to talk openly about your experience and with practical guidance. You can access our support no matter how long ago the loss occured, and whatever your relation to the deceased. Whether you lost a family member, friend, or colleague, witnessed a suicide, or are a frontline or healthcare worker – support is available.
